A Swine Nativity

Meat glue consists of duck fat, bacon, and sausage. This is an essential component to cooking a whole pig in the ground for Christmas dinner.

Soon after I followed the star homeward for the holiday, I was asked to fetch gifts to contribute to the upcoming feast. I am sure that the Wise Men would have approved of the stainless steel wire, cotton twine, and meat needles (there is a word for “meat needles” that I do not recall, but “meat needles” may sound cooler anyways).

Duck breasts were seared and inserted into a gutted chicken. The ducken was then placed into an opened turkey, which was sewed up using the aforementioned cotton twine and meat needles that I selflessly provided. This process was a sight to behold, my brother sticking a needle into raw meat and sewing the ends together like the Dexter or Buffalo Bill that he is not.

You have no idea how long it took me to find out the name of the villain in Silence of the Lambs. What’s in a name when you can be so easily identified by a line like “it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”? I have to add this to my Netflix, it’s been too long.

Once the turducken was sufficiently sewed and glued, the abomination was placed inside the pig belly (a process I am sad to say that I did not witness in entirety, as there was much red wine to be consumed, and I take my holiday responsibilities very seriously).

But much had already been prepared for this momentous occasion. A 4-foot pit was dug and lined with cinderblocks. And more importantly, a name was assigned to the animal in question. For this pig had the most important job of the holiday, and deserved a fine name indeed. And that is how Chet, short for Chettiford the Pink, came to be.

Chet was lowered into his manger-pit, another process I cannot claim to have been sober enough to witness. He cooked for 15 hours, my brother and mother tossing and turning all night in nervous anticipation.

On the afternoon of Christmas Day, the unveiling took place and it was a great unveiling indeed. The pit was dug up, Chet lifted and carried to shelter, then unwrapped (for he was covered in wire and banana leaves). Many an iPhone camera witnessed and logged the celebratory occasion as it was discovered that Chet was thoroughly cooked and delicious. The skin was mahogany and thick. The meat was tender and easily torn off. We diners circled and admired what was laying before us, as did the begging dogs at our feet.